Dark room, sad music, tears.

 

Pettra looks across the room at the door where there is the tiniest slit of light peeking into the dark room. The room that might as well be her soul. It’s been so long since she has felt the relief of light, so long since the door has been open.

 

7 months before

Work is always a chore. There are the few fun times. Thinking about E always seems to make the day bearable. This wonderful man is the one God has made for me. Together we have overcome what has seemed impossible. There have been many ups and downs. More downs than ups it often seems. I have made so many mistakes. So many hurtful decisions and through it all this amazing man is still in love with me. I am truly blessed. Looking into his smile is brighter than the sun could ever be. I am his beloved and he is mine. Dreams do come true. This is where I want my day to begin and end. This is where I want to confine myself. This is where I want to dance like a chicken. This is where I want to pray. This is where I want to begin a new life. This is where I am sure God wants me. This is where I want to be a better person. This is where I want to bake all day. This is where cleaning the bathroom isn’t a chore. This is where even a smile can make my heart soar. This is where no matter what I am comfortable. This is where I can cry. This is where I want to walk in the snow with a warm hand in mine. This is where I can think of a million things I want to do. This is where I have found my soul mate. In these arms, this smile, this God-fearing, amazing man.

So many hurts. Too many tears. Too many foolish mistakes I always thought I would be forgiven. I knew I loved him. What I didn’t realize ‘til it was to late is that you can hurt someone too much. Breaking someone’s trust is impossible to repair.  E, I’m sorry. I know I have said it before but it won’t happen again. I love you! You mean everything to me and I’ll do anything and everything to make it up to you. I’m sorry.

Tide laundry soap. So simple. An everyday item. This can bring tears to my eyes in a breath. It reminds me of him. My face buried in his shoulder. Borrowing a sweatshirt. Even riding in his car, it smells of tide. How can something you don’t wash smell like laundry soap? It’s a good tug on a bad heart string.

 

It’s been so long. The wound is starting to heal. The love is still real. The pain is still there. The man is gone. Pettra vows to never be that person again. She will love with honesty, trust, and never ending sincerity. She still holds on to the man that gave her heart its first hope.

Junk in the trunk!

I recently decided to clean out the trunk of my car. This probably seems like a small task to most of you.

However as I did homecare years ago I started keeping many things in mine as to have them any time any place for my clients. Mixed in were some of the more unsual things people don’t usually keep in theirs. Not knowing any better I am going to share the top 10 things with you. These aren’t in any order.

 

10. I bottle of tanning lotion specialized for people with sensitive skin. Its expiration date. 4-99. (I don’t think I had even tanned for the first time in 99.)

9.  I poster of the taco bell dog with a word bubble of him saying “You are my ideal taco” (I’m not sure where I got it.)

8.  A book of Schwans selling steps sighed by my old sexual predator of a boss. (I didn’t realize it was signed until I found it. I haven’t worked there for like 3 years or something.)

7.   A picture of my favorite client and I. (This one actually was a good one and makes me smile!)

6.   My first stethoscope with peter pan stickers on it. (I got the stickers from a ped client)

5.  A rock with a flower taped to it. (No idea where that came from!)

4.  A Cup of noodles.

3.  A jumbo circle-a-word (Which I have stayed up all night finishing, cause I’m that big of a nerd!)

2.  Pink socks with Ronald written on them in permanent marker. (I have never known a Ronald.)

1.  A pliers holding a flip flop together. (No idea whos it was, again something I have never seen before.)

Truths

I can never drive fast enough. I can never drink to much. Smoking always seems like idea. I will never be skinny enough. You can’t be friends with a guy. Rumors will always rule over truth. People will always surprise you. ( In good and bad ways.) No one will ever know what you’re really talking about. Keeping it inside will always be my go to. I will always cry at stupid songs. I will always sing along. Dancing in my kitchen with my Ipod as loud as it goes will always be my favorite thing. I can never have to many shoes. I will always have my toenails painted. I will always dream of another tattoo. I will always want more movies. There isn’t enough Starbucks in the world to quench my never ending thirst. Saying I’m tired instead of I’m sad will always be easier. I will never know what I really want. Pill bottles will always make me think of my Grandpa and M&M’s. I will always wonder why it never works out. I will never want to be a nurse. I will always stand in awe. I will always be this. I will always love to much. Give to much. Smile to much. Wish things could easily change. Too much.

Hospital Life

Few things surprise me. I have seen and heard some crazy things. Working in a hospital as I do the list as gotten longer and more impressive. I must say that recently something topped the list.

I can’t breath, I haven’t gone to the bathroom in 6 1/2 hours. I have more patients than I know what to do with and I’m working with an old nurse. I have to scream at her just so she can hear me. (Spring chicken wasn’t on her resume) Its been a long shift and I still have 6 hours to go. My next person has a sunburn. (They are already on my nerves, who comes to the ER at 1:30 in the moring for s sunburn?!) I have had sunburns. They hurt! You can’t sleep you are really itchy and WAY to hot. I have never gone to the ER before. (Let alone said something this absurd.) This 20 something pt had the perfect remedy. Demerol. That’s right. A narcotic injection. For a sunburn. The list of reasons why they should receive it was quite long. I will just give you my favorites. 1. It hurts real bad. 2. Its the only thing that works for me. 3. It doens’t inturrept my drinking! 4. That’s always what they give me. (As you’d guess we keep extensive files on pts. They have never had Demerol from us before. They had asked for it on more than one occasion.) They were quite annoyed when I calmly explained to them this wasn’t going to happen. I kept a professionl face and tone of voice till I got out the room. As I was telling the doctor why this patient was here I could see his face become increasingly more pinched. Then he started laughing. It wasn’t a quite laugh either. It was a GREAT BIG 10 GALLON laugh. I laughed with him. We have made that choice that the next time we have a bug bite we are going to the ER and demanding some Demoral. …. Its the only thing that works.

Twizzlers…

Walking into a pizza place can make my nostrils tingle like no other. It’s not the pepperoni, or certainly the spilled beer, or even the butter spilling over the fresh crust. I always can smell the sweet embrace of Twizzlers. Its something fond that brings me back to my childhood.

Saturday night going out for pizza with Grandma & Grandpa. It’s the anticipation of being set free in a fast moving place. As a child with 7 siblings it wasn’t often I got to do want I wanted. Being the youngest for almost 8 years didn’t help. This treasured night where I got to wander was one of great wonder and excitement. I wasn’t there for the pizza. I was there for the ski ball, for the bottomless plastic cup of pepsi, for the chance to climb unto my Grandpas lap and have him pat my back and call me princess. This was what the long week paid off too. I would spend the night running around calling out to my siblings “Come and look at this!” Always ready to run back to the large table to have a bite of the chilled GREASY pizza. Taking unnecessary yet excitement filled trips to the bathroom with my older sisters. Always being to sure to giggle with them in the mirror.

It made me appreciate the unknown life outside. The night always ended the same. One lucky grandchild would get to go with Grandma or Grandpa to pay. That grandchild got the greatest honor of all. They got to reach into the jar that held the true treasure of the night. The Twizzler jar. They count to count out just enough for everyone. This was the best part of the night. It didn’t matter if you were the youngest or the oldest. Who got it pick them up got to hand them out. Carrying the crinkly plastic wrapper in the most careful grip you could muster .Having the smug pleasure of handing them out to the whole group. Knowing you got to choose who had to wait and who was first. Then finally getting to indulge in what you had been handing out for the past ten minutes. (Ten minutes to an 8 year old is an entire lifetime.) Gripping the scalloped edge with your teeth till it tore open. It was always close to your nose. The nose got to taste is before your mouth. It was enticing.

Strawberry Twizzlers… Although not as exciting as they once were still a very fond memory. They remind me of a Grandfather who has been gone for far to long it seems. Someone who I miss more than I’d ever imagine possible. Also of a Grandmother I need to spend more time with. Who I pray knows just how much I love her. I will never see Twizzlers without smiling and feeling a gentle tug on my heart…

The dreaded… Gulp!… ma’am

Maybe it’s the fact I had a recent birthday.
Maybe it’s the fact I had a cheeky waitress
 no older than 16 who had the audacity to tell me…
(This is embarrassing folks.) “My mom has that same purse!”
I have never wanted to punch a dumb bimbo more.
That wasn’t the end of it. As I was leaving she told me to
‘Have a goodnight ma’am!”
I almost threw my boneless buffalo wings up right there!
This isn’t the end of my what was adding up to
be a senior citizen night out.
I made the mistake of going to Satan’s playground.
Now I know you’re thinking Yankee stadium. It gets worse.
Wal-Mart.
As I hurried about to grab the few things
I need looking more like a hostage
than an evening shopper. I soon got to the self check out.
I prefer these as
they are usually quicker. I was on my last item
when a boy less than 5 years
younger than me came up to, well let’s say help.
(I’m using that pretty fast and loose.)
As he waddled toward me.
(I say waddled cause his pants being so low made
it impossible to walk like a normal person.)
I noticed a pair of glasses in his hand.
He held them up to me and stated in his squeaky not fully developed voice.
“I think you dropped your reading glasses ma’am”
I decided right there I was going to be
arrested for assault. There was no way around it.
As I took a deep breath in and clenched my fist, I just as quickly stopped.
If I hurt this “child” I would be obligated by law to help him.
Damn you nursing career! I knew you’d hurt me in the long run!
I simply smiled and walked fast.
I knew he wouldn’t be able to catch me.
I glanced over my shoulder and said loudly.
How’s it feel to be 14?
I low blow I know.
It was fun to say though because I knew he’d never understand it.